Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog