TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
You Might Also Like
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
She puts the hot in psychotic
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be