Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends