Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
how was your vacation
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.