I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.