it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.