Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago