Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.