“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.