When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…