A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good