Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?