My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
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Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.