I hate everything
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.