Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
don’t be scared
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”