Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Put this video in the Louvre
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled