*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal ðŸ˜
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m not wrong
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god