Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Human are so complicated
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife