Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”