“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever