*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.