I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
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“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
🤣🤣
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
my proudest tweet
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.