[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
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I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.