A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
You Might Also Like
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I was bored.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.