interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that