me as a parent
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And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.