Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough