People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No