my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
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First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
no regrets
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
it must be school picture day
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?