Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?