If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Spider-cat: No One Home
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.