I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Why is everyone getting married at me
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
S O O N
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.