I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
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I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
calling in to work dehydrated
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
who wore it better?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The booster protects against what, now?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard