Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
*launders Kohls cash*
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Legend 🤣🤣
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.