Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
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Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Siri: Retweet me.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.