People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.