[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.