[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
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me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day