Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Monday Lisa
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
the greatest twitter interaction
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]