I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.