Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
You Might Also Like
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
going to the ER y’all need anything
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
hmmm
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”