Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me when my alarm goes off
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”