you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I’m sorry…what?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.