me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
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it must be school picture day
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
The 6 types of sex
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
This guy gets it.