me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.