Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
You Might Also Like
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?