Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Follow me for more life hacks.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake