My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?