[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.