No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts